I have no clue what’s going to be happening in my future though. A guest speaker in Algebra today kind of made me think about going into a technical college to bring my GPA up so I can qualify for the HOPE scholorship if I don’t make a 3.0 in highschool. I’m considering doing that. I also have to take an online course at the end of this month for US History, summer school for Alg2, and I’m possibly going to Pheonix to take Physics. Everything is getting so crazy. Next year I’m considering taking a college leveled English course, instead of my senior language arts. I know I can do that, at least.

I may have things planned out for the near future, but in the long run, I have no idea what’s going on, or what I’m going to do with my life. I really honestly don’t.

 And now about this boy, oh dear lord. I don’t even know where to begin. He’s handsome but awkward looking, sweet but rude, funny but incredibly annoying, I mean, how can I deal with this?!? I know it wouldn’t work out between me and him anyway. He’s going to do something with his life that I know that I couldn’t deal with. He has his whole entire future planned out already. He doesn’t even have enough time to have a girlfriend right now. I accept that, I just like him. It’s not like I want to have a relationship. Nooo. Far from that. But I was with this boy for a while yesterday, and he was so incredibly nice. Then today, he was acting like how he was yesterday. BUT, his cruel attempt at a joke towards me today almost put me in tears. He had no idea I would take in so offensivly, but I’ve come to realize that was probably the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me in my whole entire life. And he didn’t even mean to do it!

I don’t need boys right now. I have to concentrate on school.

 End of story.

So, I’ve just recently gotten my whole entire schedule changed. That BITES. I can’t stand it. I hate that I failed, and now I hate that I’m in class with all the dumb kids (ugh, no offense). I would never associate with most of these people that I’m presently forced to be around everyday. When I actually like fear for my life when I’m just sitting there in class, that’s not good. I’ve never seen so much disrespect for a teacher in a serious manner. I just can’t believe I have to spend the rest of the year with these people, it’s ridiculous!

 Now I’m not normally one to judge, but this has got to be fixed. I hate that just because I failed some classes, they take me out of the only honors class that I was actually doing well in, and put me in CP. It’s crazy. Why do I deserve to be in a class with those people? I didn’t fail that class. This just sucks, big time.

I don’t even know what to write. Nothings been going well in my life. I don’t know what to do now.

The one person that I actually like, I think he’s going after another girl. I know what you’re thinking, “Well, get him before he becomes unavailable!” Well, it’s not that easy. I tried that last year, and things didn’t work out to smoothly. I actually have like, life long enemies for doing that. I don’t want to interfere if he actually likes this girl. I hate guys who are “talking” to you, about things, and then they start going on about another girl. It’s like, I know you like me, so why are you trying to make me jealous? That’s dumb. If you like her, then fine. I just don’t need to know every single detail about it. Ugh, it’s like that song, “Teardrops on my Guitar”, only I CAN’T play guitar, and I don’t cry over him.

It’s just whatever. I’m finished. I hope to have a happier entry up soon, but until then, bye.

So, I pretty much have no idea what this is… Is it like Xanga or something? That’s what it looks like to me. But that’s alright, this looks alot cooler then X. X makes you pay for things after what, 30 days? That’s dumb. So I’m not sure what to write here at the moment. Things about myself? What I like to do? What I’m interested in? Beats me.

Well, for starters; you can just call me ‘Ash’. That is half of my name, anyway. I hate sharing personal details about myself, even to people I actually know. It just creeps me out for some reason. What’s the difference between Joe who lives in Arkansas, and Steve, who lives down the street from me? Joe could NOT be a pedophile, and Steve might. I mean, I’m in more danger of Steve than Joe, right?I don’t know. That probably didn’t make sense. But oh well.

Uhh, more about me. Okay. I like animals more than humans. Don’t ask why… I don’t know. There’s just that innocence about them, you know? Like they can never put one over on you… they can’t do wrong. Well except when they pee in your house and go through your trash. But say for instance I’m watching a movie, and the main character dies or something. I won’t cry. I’ll be sad, but whatever, it’s done. Now if someone’s animal dies, I’ll bust out crying refusing to come out of my room for a week. Well, not really. But I’ll still cry.

Uhm, I love to write. Writing is my thing. I don’t know what it is about it, but it’s just wonderful. Like an artistic venue to help you escape from reality. Make up your own characters and situations, and make things come out the way you want them too. Yeah, I do have a fictionpress.net account that I use practically everday to read and write stories, but I won’t share it. I love being anonymous when I write. No one knows who I am, and that’s better. I don’t want to end up embarassing myself to my friends. I’ll never let someone that I know read my stuff. It makes me nervous. It makes me feel like people can see what I’m thinking and feeling, and that is what scares me the most. I hate opening up to people.

Which brings me to my next point. I trust people way to easily. That is who I am, “the girl you can use and get whatever you want from her”. But that’s not who I am anymore. I hate being screwed over and used by people who I thought were my friends. It isn’t cool. I hate feeling vulnerable. It’s just not who I am. I like doing things for people. I like lending you that pencil in class when you need it, and I’ll let you copy down that homework assignment you accidently forgot to do. But what I don’t like, is when people take advantage of that. Expecting me to do things for them all the time. “Oh hey, I didn’t do my homework again today, let me see yours. Please?” No. Not anymore. You can’t just use me. You can’t take things from me, and expect me to be your outlet. Too bad.

I may be young, but I know alot for my generation. I’ve lived through alot of things that people are usually surprised about. Of course I won’t name anything, seeing as I don’t like sharing detail by detail, but I love to just let everything out once in a while, you know? I would love to have that one special best friend, that I can have sleepovers with, and just tell things to. And they would acutally give a damn. I know I have good friends that I can talk to, but I can’t help but wonder if they actually care. Do they give a second thought to what I’m saying when I’m crying over the phone, or is every word going in one ear and out the other, waiting until I’m finished so they can get back to the computer or the t.v. or whatever else they were doing?

 I don’t feel well right now, I don’t feel like writing anymore. I doubt anyone would ever read this. I mean, why would you? You most likely don’t know me. Why would you care what I have to say? But that’s okay. I don’t care.

Thanks:] Bye.